Do some women now claim more dignity than our Mothers, the esteemed wives of our Prophet (peace be upon him)? In “My dignity is more important than your love” (Nov. 23), Ms. F.H. is quoted as saying that a second marriage demeans a woman's dignity and advised that divorce is preferable. Yet none of the Prophet's wives contemplated divorce from him, and they held their heads high. Muslim scholars unanimously agree that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and many of his companions practiced polygamy, and it is indisputably allowed by the Qur'an. How far from Islam is our thinking if we don't realize that a person's dignity can never be tarnished by a practice legitimized by God and followed by His last Prophet (pbuh), who was an example to all humanity - past, present, and future? There doubtless are men who disregard the laws of God and abuse polygamy by gross negligence of their duty - prescribed by Allah - to deal kindly and fairly with their wives, to the best of their ability. Such treatment can feel humiliating, and in such marriages, divorce may restore a woman's sense of dignity. Yet, regardless of a husband's actions, no woman is ever demeaned if she herself has remained obedient to God. Piety and the best conduct with others are what elevate men and women to the highest level of true dignity, regardless of what misguided people might think. Conversely, people humiliate and debase themselves by disobedience to God, which includes the abuse and oppression of others, as well as rejection of Allah's decrees. Sadly, many of the present generation mistakenly associate dignity with ideals foreign to Islam. Wealth, nobility and prestige are often thought to elevate a person's standing. To such people, polygamy seems a blemish upon a woman's prestige, as it apparently violates perceived standards of modernity - “modernity” foolishly perceived as a link to prestige and an ideal in itself - and shows the world that she has apparently “failed” to capture her husband's exclusive attention - perhaps implying that she alone “wasn't good enough” somehow, her detractors failing to recognize that there could be many other reasons behind a second marriage. Some contemporary women feel they can hold their heads high only if others believe they are the exclusive queens of their husbands' affection. Their standards are aligned with foreign concepts about love and marriage, based upon the false ideal of romance as the main basis and ideal of marriage. (Obviously, the entertainment industry and related media have fueled this ideal.) However, marriage is much more than romance - it is a partnership and the building block of society. As such, polygamy often serves an important role in making sure that relationships are legitimized and children are born into protective families. Moreover, legitimate polygamy gives spinsters and widows the chance to have families of their own - without breaking up the families of others - unlike the situation in nations that forbid polygamy and have millions of illegitimate children who seldom enjoy their share of their fathers' time and wealth. No wonder the number of Saudi spinsters and divorcees and widows who have not remarried is so disgracefully high. Society's false gods of “modernity” and prestige have shut the door on them, so desperate are many women to ape foreign customs and preserve the image of their own marriages as reflecting fairytale romance. Selfishness and jealousy also play their roles in motivating women into taking a strong stand against a provision allowed by God. The belief in monogamy as the only acceptable standard has become so common that many women in polygamous marriages now feel stigmatized. Whether first or second wives, they face a society that increasingly considers them as either humiliated or as intruders upon their husbands' “first” families, even though such concepts are completely alien to Islam. Allah's Wisdom cannot be disputed, and Islam's decrees are only for society's benefit. The Prophet (pbuh) advised Muslims to choose pious spouses who have good akhlaq, which means that they treat others respectfully, morally, and according to the best manners. Those who marry upon such principles have the best chance of enjoying both love and dignity in marriage, regardless of monogamy or polygamy, and children born to such unions stand the greatest chance of becoming successful members of society. Um Mariam Dubai
