In the nineteenth century, there was a British football team called the Corinthian Club, where each player was a gentleman. If a player from the rival team were to be injured and taken out of the field, or expelled, the Corinthian team would also take a player out so that the game is kept on an even keel. The results of the Corinthian team at the time must have been as abysmal as those of the English team these days, which explains the collapse of British football, after the British Empire. This is because in football, just like in love and war, everybody cheats, and what matters is not getting caught. A football player is not the Einstein of his time, as he cheats with 54 cameras turned on him and yet denies it all. The World Cup's final match will be played today, between Algeria and Japan. The result is already settled: three-null for Algeria of course. I know that I am hallucinating, because of a sun stroke, but I found this worth telling the reader and please the Arab reader with some football-related cheating. It matters nothing to me whether Spain or the Netherlands will win today. Those I wanted to win have disqualified from the World Cup successively. The only memories I will have of this World Cup will include: - The fact that Luis Suarez blocked a goal for Ghana using his hand, Uruguay won on penalty shots, but then was defeated by the Netherlands. - That Frank Lampard scored a goal for the English squad but that it was not counted. - That Carlos Tevez scored a goal for Argentina against Mexico, while being five yards offside... This means that if he were a member of the Palestinian resistance factions, he would have arrived to Tel Aviv. - That Ronaldo would fall even if he is pushed by a breeze of air, screaming in agony - That the Dutch winger Arjen Robbern is even worse than Ronaldo, and truly deserves the title of “World Cup Impostor”, although he is among the best players. - Thierry Henry is of the type mentioned above. Yet, France's performance in the championship was ‘Arab-like”, as it was defeated quickly, after qualifying by deception. In other words, they are all like the Maradona of 1986, and his goal that took England out of the World Cup that year. But my question is: Where are the referees in all of this? I meant to ask this only to answer it: referees are usually former players, and they move onto refereeing when their eyesight falters and they become nearly blind. As we know, players are sometimes required to undergo testing for drug abuse after the match, and I suggest that some referees be also tested because some of their decisions cannot be explained except by blindness or a drug-induced trance. Yet, referees remain important as a scapegoat to blame for the loss of Arab teams, a loss that is often incomprehensible, because we hear that people learn from their mistakes. If that was true, we would be the most experienced footballers qualified to win every championship. However, our teams remain among the highest...fourth degree teams in the world. Perhaps our players learn quickly but forget even faster. I would have accused Israel of being behind yet another conspiracy to undermine Arab football; however Israel's football performance is worse than ours, and we hope that this failure will also spread to the Israeli criminal activities so that we and the whole world would rest from them. Or perhaps the matter is such that we have all the requirements for success in football, and all what remains for us to do is to build a strong defense and offence, and an effective midfield in between. Of course, if an Arab team played in London, the fog would be blamed for the loss, saying it was so thick that our players failed to see the goal, and did not even know on which side they were playing. There was a time when I thought that the name of my favorite Arab team is “something-null”, and as the reader can see, I do not dare name the team even when I am joking, because life is precious, we only live once, and even if it were twice, I would not forfeit either one. At any rate, what matters is that my team always lost, to the extent at which I thought that ‘null' is a part of its name. How do we break this vicious cycle of defeat, heartache and nervous breakdowns? I suggest that we put a dish of Kabsa in the opponent's goal so that our players find their way there. I spoke a lot about the players and the referees, although the victim in any match between an Arab team and a foreign one is always the Arab spectator, who then only adds his disappointment in football to his other political, economic and social disappointments. We also know that it sometimes happens that two teams are punished by forcing them to re-match for their violations, in a game without spectators. For this reason, I suggest that the Arab teams play without spectators as punishment for them, and also in order to spare their supporters. Or perhaps we can build the spectator seats to face the parking lot outside, instead of the playfield, in order to be spared the heartache, and maybe also remove the scoreboard. I have many other suggestions inspired by the sun stroke that I mentioned in the beginning, but I will stop and spare the readers after the spectators. [email protected]
