Khadijah! Just saying her name instantly inspires me to want to be a stronger Muslimah, to sacrifice more, to discover her hidden strength and beauty she gave to her husband. She gave everything she had, all that she owned, from her hands, heart, and soul for Islam. But to appreciate this beautiful opportunity she had, we have to back up to a very significant moment in time. That moment is when she asked her maidservant to inquire about the young man who was working for her to see if he was available for marriage, and would consider her. A man who had a beautiful character, was honest, hardworking, trustworthy, and produced amazing results for her business. Khadijah asked. Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) asked about Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) for marriage. She initiated it. Today, you're probably wondering when and how will you get married. As time passes, the pressure begins to set in to get married. But out there in the world, you see lots of single and available brothers that you could consider as a Mr. Right potential. What I want you to realize is that many Mr. Right potentials have no idea you're available for marriage, ready to settle down, have time for a husband, or are willing to accept him for where he's at in his career and education. (After all, few brothers in their early 20s will have enough income saved up for a luxury wedding, vacation, apartment, and car all at once.) But I meet sisters who tell me that this isn't the main issue, and that they can wait while he builds his career and financial situation up. I recently surveyed the brothers on our Practimate list and told them I was teaching you to be proactive, similiar to Khadijah, in finding a husband, by sending a third party to inquire on their behalf, whether a Mahram, or a trusted friend. I asked them if they thought this was weird, desperate, or something they would consider offensive. Their responses broke the common myth! One brother said, “It will be more helpful if the word is ‘out there' in an appropriate manner. I feel like the present times are a bit in transition where old systems are failing (the waiting game) and new systems are coming into play, and we are held up between the two. For my parents' time the waiting thing worked as it had the right setting from every perspective…” Another brother said, “A girl needs to put all the ‘games' aside and just be real with people. If that means that she tells her family about the brother… so they can talk with him, so be it. In fact, if a sister's family or someone she knows came to me telling me that a sister is interested in me, I would at the very least check it out. I would take the opportunity seriously. Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) sent someone to speak with the Prophet (peace be upon him) about marriage. She took the initiative. This also shows that a woman is strong and willing to take charge when needed. The sister has to be a real, genuine person, down to earth (for it to work). “In general, the idea of you sending someone, respectably speaking, to inquire with tactfulness, and in a good manner – not a “I-have-a-friend-who-likes-you” mentality – with maturity and modesty, is something a mature man, ready for marriage, will appreciate.” So why not pursue Mr. Right like Khadijah? Sadly, we have ignored this example (and others) from Islam of women sending a “messenger” to inquire on their behalf about marriage and that they were proactively involved in the marriage process. Sisters accuse others of being desperate when they let others know they are looking to get married. Families believe that a daughter must be sought after and it is shameful for a daughter and her family to approach a man for marriage. And so, many beautiful, smart, educated, and talented women are waiting and waiting for Mr. Right to knock on their father's door. It's time to re-examine our value system, and not forbid or look down upon something approved of and practiced by the best man on the face of the earth and one of the best women in human history, mother of the believers, Khadijah. If you are ready to consider an alternative option for seeking out Mr. Right, then first, I want to mention that there are rules to this pro-active approach. Here are some guidelines to follow: 1) Never initiate something without your Wali or Mahram having complete knowledge of what is going on. This protects you and the potential Mr. Right from ending up in a situation not pleasing to Allah. You want to go through this process in a Halaal and dignified manner. 2) Send someone you trust to ask on your behalf, without initially revealing your identity. This way, you know if the brother is even available before revealing your personal information. Ask the brother how you and your Wali can contact him. But communication should always go back to your Wali or Mahram. 3) Pray Istikharah. We ask Allah to guide us multiple times everyday in our Salah. But we are blessed to have a special Du'a for decisions. The reality is that many brothers out there do want to get married, but feel there are so many hurdles to overcome to get there. The first hurdle is fearing rejection. Women tend to think men always have their act all put together, but they have their own batch of insecurities and fears. It may make things easier for a man to consider you when he already knows you are interested. And if he isn't, he will be more confident in pursuing the right person for him in the future. But what about you? Doesn't this put you on the line to face rejection? Of course it does. You have two choices: Do nothing, and wait, and handle the challenges of just waiting, which is fine if this is the path you want to take. Or be pro-active in searching your Mr. Right and handle the challenges of asking. We don't sit and wait for things to come to us in any other aspect of life or worship. Marriage doesn't have to be an exception. Because Khadijah asked, so can you.
