You have the most important and difficult, yet most enjoyable job. Society at large depends on how well you do your job. You don't get paid much money for it. You work 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can't take a break even when you are miserably sick. Your contract will last for a lifetime. Your boss is demanding, highly unpredictable, moody, but loves you. If you didn't guess already, you are a parent! Parenting, like any job, requires a great deal of skill, patience, and education, and it really should come with a manual on how to do the job correctly. In my search for effective parenting techniques I found several useful guidelines in an excellent book by Dr. Abdul Kareem Bakkar, author of many helpful books for parents, families, and teenagers. Parents may often feel frustrated and exhausted from having to repeat to their children over and over again certain requests. You tell your five-year-old every night to brush his teeth before going to bed. Then one night you forget to remind him and when he is already tucked in bed you ask him, “Did you brush your teeth?” He replies matter-of-factly, “No.” You feel exasperated, but do not give up hope. Dr. Bakkar likens young children to the Chinese bamboo plant. After planting the seed, this plant grows roots underground for four years. Only a small sprout is visible above the ground. But in the fifth year, the bamboo shoots up to reach 80 feet in height. Likewise, by constantly teaching and guiding your child every day, you are making a difference in him or her internally. Suddenly, when your child is older, you will be delighted to see that he or she brushes teeth regularly, prays without being reminded, respects elders, and is kind to the neighbors. So, read a lot on child rearing, talk to your child, and be patient. After years of hard and sincere work, you will be pleased when your little bud shoots up. The home environment plays an important role in our children's personality development. Ideally, both parents should be involved in raising their children. According to Dr. Bakkar, if the parents themselves are decent and good people, they will positively influence the whole house. Disciplining children would be a smooth sail if we actually practice what we preach. If you tell your kids not to watch TV and they see you sitting for hours in front of the TV, they will become confused, disobey you, and problems will arise. What does a girl learn when her mother lectures her on the vices of lying and then lies to the neighbor? We should behave and live exactly as we want our children to. Children of smokers are three times as likely to become smokers when they grow up as children of non-smokers. Actions are stronger than words. Fun is a necessary ingredient to make a healthy home environment. Once in a while play games; mom and the girls can dance, bake cookies, or try face painting. Children need someone to listen to their tales, answer their never ending questions, and give them lots of hugs. Avoid favoritism and comparing a child to siblings or relatives or friends. When you see an unwanted behavior, try to advise and teach rather than criticize and admonish. Parenting is not a one way process. Successful parenting involves lots of interaction and feedback from the kids. Good parents listen to their children's needs, try to understand their feelings, and can even learn from them. Keep the channels of communication open between you and your children, especially as they get older. Show interest in their ambitions, problems, at school, and hobbies. If you have a warm and friendly relationship with your children they will be more likely to accept and heed your advice when you warn them of issues like smoking, drugs, the influence of bad friends, skipping classes, and other adolescent dangers. If you get angry and shout every time they make mistakes, they will no longer confide in you and come to you when they get into trouble. Let your children participate in some decisions like where to go on holiday, the appropriate bed time, and the gifts they want for excellent report cards. You should have clear house rules that are non-negotiable to avoid daily battles between children and parents. Some important rules include: cleanliness and neatness, bed time, the foods and beverages that are not allowed, performing the five daily prayers on time, limited use of the phone, computer, and TV, daily reading, as well as the fact that they can never hit their siblings or speak disrespectfully to parents. Tell your children exactly what is expected of them. Both parents should agree upon and stick to a suitable punishment if these rules are broken. Reasonable punishments can be taking away a privilege like playing on the computer, reducing their monthly allowance, or sending them to bed earlier than usual. Balance in all matters, including parenting, is a virtue. Parents should find a balance between immediately fulfilling every whim of their children and between refusing their every request. We should also find a medium ground between spoiling our kids too much and being too strict and controlling. Demand the best behavior, but also be forgiving of the smaller mistakes. A creative and wonderful idea to bring your family closer together was suggested in Dr. Bakkar's book. Make a questionnaire and give it to each child to fill out. Next, announce a family meeting to discuss everybody's answers and create a clear plan to improve your family's relationships. Questions to ask • In your opinion, what makes up a good and happy family? What do you think our family is missing to make it better? • In what ways do you think our family is better compared to other families of our friends and relatives? • What is it about your home that makes you feel peaceful and relaxed? • How do you help your family? • What things do you dislike about your family and you think we should change? • What do you admire most about your mother and father and what they contribute to the family? I actually tried this questionnaire. It was an eye-opener for me and I learned a lot. From my children's answers I realized that I had a problem of sibling rivalry that I was not paying enough attention to. On the last question, I was waiting to hear a long sermon praising how perfect I am; how well I cook and have taught them to speak, read, and write a second language, take them to Qur'an, swimming, and art lessons, throw parties for them, and buy them expensive gifts. I was shocked (and humbled) when my daughter's answer was only one line. She wrote, “My mommy makes me feel safe and happy.” That's it? I learned that for a young child, nothing else matters. Children want someone to talk to, to laugh at their jokes, and reassure them that everything is going to be OK. Children need to feel safe, loved, appreciated, and valued more than they need all the material things I was running all over the place to do for them. Try this exercise at home to shed light on important issues in your family.
