Casting out memories One of the first things I did when my ex-husband moved out was to get rid of the bedsheets. At the time it struck me as an odd thing to focus on, when so many other important things were going on, but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't stomach the thought of continuing to use them. I bought two new sets, then took my old ones (my share of all the sheets we had, since even that was split in half), washed them, folded them, placed them in a bag and donated it to Goodwill – after I'd bagged a bunch of other items I wanted banished from my house. I eventually did the same thing with the towels, keeping just a couple of old ones for general use, like large spills, not wanting them around, not wanting to use them myself or have guests use them. Seemed so silly even then, but I just didn't want to keep using them. Over the last year-and-a-half, more and more things that belonged to or were used by “us” have disappeared, gone for good. I look at my shelves, inside my closets and in storage boxes and remember those first weeks in July after he left, when I raced like madwoman through my house, flinging things out of drawers, emptying boxes out, pulling down picture frames and knick-knacks, a crazy kind of urgency pushing me to either store some things far, far away, or to get rid of as much as possible. Almost immediately, I went through everything and either stored or tossed. It wasn't that I wanted to erase that life or those memories. There was no anger in my actions. It was that the pain was too intense for me to keep anything too close. Even the sheets and towels. The farther removed I am from that time and the whole experience, the clearer it is that I was utterly shocked that my marriage ended; or more precisely, I was shocked at the ease and eagerness with which he left. That shock propelled a lot of actions that at the time felt like nothing more than survival tactics. My answer, then, was to remove the things we'd both used, whether or not it had sentimental value. I was resentful that he took very little with him, that he even had that choice while I did not, and the way that his actions unequivocally communicated that none of it had value to him and that he wanted no mementos, no memories, nothing. I also felt a tinge of disgust, that I would continue to use or keep around “our” things, when in one fell swoop that entire life was swept away. Those things - though I did not consciously recognize it at the time - were tainted. I simply wanted it all gone; they had no place in the new life I was trying to forge. – tere-tereblogspot.com Death of a husband It has now been one month since Abdullah passed away, succumbing to an aggressive type of acute leukemia. On the surface, life goes on. But within me, I continue to grieve daily and miss his presence. In spite of telling myself he is free of pain and at rest, the selfish part of me was not ready to let him go. We were truly the epitome of two peas in a pod with our unique closeness, understanding and ability to communicate. We had occasional spats like any married couple but they were always quickly resolved and usually resolved with humor. Now, I am trying to move forward although honestly I don't know just when life will return to “nearly normal.” I'm still undergoing my own chemotherapy and after that will be six weeks of daily radiation therapy. I need to figure out how to rebuild a life without the love of my life and my life partner. Someone, actually a few someones, have told me that grief becomes smaller over time. I guess I'll just have to take their words for it. And I am not asking for pity or sympathy here. I am just a new widow who is expressing what is on her mind and how she is feeling. I've been asked whether I wish to return to Saudi Arabia. I will say that I consider Saudi Arabia another home where I am very comfortable. I am at ease with the customs, culture and tradition of Saudi Arabia. Furthermore I am blessed with a compassionate extended Saudi family. As I know has been known to happen, some of us have become even closer with Abdullah's passing. Whether I would permanently relocate back to Saudi Arabia I truly do not know but I need to at least return for a period. Once my treatment is behind me, I need to go and perform Umrah for myself and also in memory of Abdullah. I won't have that additional peace until I've done so. I have always been passionate and intense on speaking out on cancer and the need for a cure and new breakthroughs in treatments. Since Abdullah's death, I am even more passionate on this topic. In May I am participating in the large American Cancer Society Relay for Life. I will be participating in memory of Abdullah as well as for some other strong warriors.I feel so strongly on this subject. I hope that after my own treatment is behind me I can somehow work where my efforts can make a difference in the fight for a cure as well as in the area of education and support to those who are affected by cancer. I believe Abdullah would support this desire of mine. I don't feel like a widow. I still feel and smell Abdullah all around me. I'm sure I am not the only one with these feelings. In addition to his family who I know also grieves and misses him, Abdullah was the type of person who touched everyone who met him.He was the man who always wanted to help and be kind. Most mornings when he was driving to work at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs he would notice a Sudanese man who worked in a low level position at the Ministry and would be walking to work. Each time Abdullah saw him he would stop his car and give this man a lift. Abdullah loved his work and he loved each and every assignment he had. He made a difference at each place he worked and his letters from senior officials, ambassadors and members of the Royal Family reiterated the appreciation for his service to his country. Abdullah was the epitome of the “New Age Saudi diplomat.” Of course he was an expert in his subject matters and unlike many Saudi diplomats to date, he liked to be pro-active and interact with other diplomats and host country nationals. He enjoyed attending seminars and conferences related to issues he followed. He spoke excellent English and was not shy to engage someone in conversation. He was not shy or afraid to try new initiatives. And I have no doubt he has had many more experiences than the ones I am aware of which were likely of large significance. He was a person that could be easily trusted and exuded confidence. It gives me great comfort each time I speak with Abdullah's children. They have the same manner of speaking as he did and they are a precious part of him. Abdullah, with his children, left a legacy he can be very proud of. – americanbedu.comIn closing this post, I wish that everyone who reads this could have had the honor of meeting my prince, the love of my life. May God Bless him and continue to watch over him.
