Sometime back, I hired a sister to help around the house. She was 21, with two children under five, and a third on the way. When I asked about the whereabouts of her husband, it emerged that he was a habitual criminal who spent most of his time in prison for misdemeanors ranging from alcoholism to gambling to petty theft. When he was out of prison, he bided his time abusing his wife and threatened to track her down and leave her physically disfigured for life if she dared to leave his house or ask for a divorce. After suffering years of abuse, when she finally mustered the courage to approach someone she deemed “knowledgeable” with her case, she was told that a divorce was “out of the question unless her husband agreed to let her go” and that she should “be patient and try to reform her husband and reconcile with him for the sake of the children.” At the other end of the social spectrum, I know of a sister who married into an immensely rich and influential family, who was likewise abused by her husband and in-laws, and threatened with dire consequences if she dared to leave her marital home or ask for a divorce. When she confided in her family, she too was advised to “be patient” and attempt to “reconcile”, without any attempts to explore her options in Islam – which include counseling and reconciliation attempts involving members of both families, and in case of irreconcilable differences, the right to Khula (a woman's right to end a marriage). There are two sides of divorce in our communities today: on the one hand we have impetuous couples who marry for all the wrong reasons and go through a quickie divorce soon after, leaving social chaos and indelible psychological scars in their wake; and on the other hand we have men and women trapped in traumatic lives, suffering years of abuse in complete ignorance about the options that are available to them in Islam, simply due to the social stigma associated with divorce and widespread ignorance and application of Islamic injunctions. An ‘amicable divorce' might sound like an oxymoron, but this is the manner of divorce prescribed in the Qur'an and Sunnah. Without going into the controversies and lengthy rulings associated with divorce in Islam, let's consider the human values – both at the individual and community level – that Islam upholds even in extenuating circumstances like divorce. Al-Ma'roof and Ihsan “The divorce is twice, after that, either retain her with Al-Ma'roof (on reasonable terms) or release her with Ihsan (the best possible manners).” (Qur'an, 2:229) “And when you have divorced women and they have fulfilled the term of their prescribed period, either take them back on reasonable basis or set them free on reasonable basis.” (Qur'an, 2:231) If there are two words that are richly nuanced and embody the essence of Islam, they are Al-Ma'roof (all the good that is enjoined by Islam that results from a belief in Tawheed) and Ihsan (excellence; the state of perfection where one's inner belief is reflected through acts of worship and social interaction). It is no accident that the verses of divorce commence with the injunction to treat women on the basis of these two values, and end with the admonition to fear Allah and be conscious that Allah is All-Aware. Kindness The exegesis of Ibn Kathir, quotes Ibn Abbas, Mujahid, Masruq, Al-Hasan, Qatadah, Ad-Dahhak, Ar-Rabi and Muqatil Bin Hayyan as saying that a man used to divorce his wife, and when her Iddah (waiting period) came near its end, he would take her back to harm her and to stop her from marrying someone else. He would then divorce her again and she would begin her Iddah and when her Iddah term neared its end, he would take her back again, so that the term of Iddah would be prolonged for her. After that, Allah prohibited this practice and also warned those who indulge in such practices, when He said. “...and whoever does that, then he has wronged himself,” meaning, by defying Allah's commandments. In case of divorce, kindness is not merely a recommendation. It is a command from Allah to men that when one of them divorces his wife with a reversible divorce, he should treat her kindly. So when her term of Iddah (waiting period) nears its end, he either takes her back in a way that is better, including having witnesses that he has taken her back and he lives with her with kindness. Or, he should release her after her Iddah finishes without disputing, fighting with her or using foul words. Not treating the commands of Allah in jest Ibn Jarir said that Abu Musa (Al-Ash'ari), narrated that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) once became angry at the Ash'ari tribe. Abu Musa went to him and said, “O Messenger of Allah! Are you angry with the Ash'ariyyin?'' The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “One of you says, ‘I divorced her,' then says `I have taken her back!' This is not the appropriate way Muslims conduct divorce. Divorce the woman when she has fulfilled the term of the prescribed period.” Masruq said that the verse refers to the man who harms his wife by divorcing her and then taking her back, so that the Iddah term is prolonged for her and she is put to harm because of that. Al-Hasan, Qatadah, Ata Al-Khurasani, Ar-Rabi and Muqatil Bin Hayyan said, “He is the man who divorces his wife and says, ‘I was joking.' Or he frees a slave or gets married and says, ‘I was only joking.' At this, the verse was revealed: “And treat not the verses (Laws) of Allah in a jest,” and in a following verse it was indicated that such men will be made to bear the consequences of their actions. Community spirit and responsibility “The believers, men and women, are Awliya' (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another, they enjoin good and forbid evil.” (Qur'an, 9:71) Divorce is a traumatic event that has far-reaching social repercussions, and it is often made worse by the lack of community support and counsel from the people of knowledge. It is often seen that instead of providing good counsel and a support base, friends, relatives and acquaintances of the divorcing partners “take sides”, and indulge in slander, backbiting and gossip – all of which are grave sins and further polarize our communities, while achieving no benefit to the couple in question. As the Qur'an indicates, the believing men and women cooperate with each other in acts of goodness (Al-Ma'roof) and strenuously forbid evil (Al-Munkar). We must realize the responsibility that has been entrusted to us. We must invest in and train counselors instead of the relying on the “aunty-uncle” network to solve marital problems. We should also develop better lines of communication between knowledgeable religious leaders and the community, and institute foundations that provide financial support to divorced women and their children to prevent further instability and fragmentation in our communities.
