WHENEVER I'm at my wits' end with my children, I find myself wondering how people in the past managed to raise families without the plentiful resources, help, diversions – not to mention disposable diapers – that are available to us today. How did they raise men and women whose memories inspire and illuminate our paths? Where are modern parenting techniques – and the gurus and super nannies who make a fast buck expounding on them – falling short? Why has parenting become an angst-ridden exercise for parents and children alike, leading to heartrending stories of abuse, traumatic breakdowns and alienation? What important ingredient are we missing out on in our overzealousness to get the recipe right? In his bestselling book ‘Children Are From Heaven', author John Gray (of ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' fame) talks about “five positive principles of raising children to be compassionate, confident, caring adults,” one of which is: “It's okay to say no, but remember Mom and Dad are the bosses.” I find it interesting that modern counselors are discovering in hindsight what our predecessors knew instinctively: that children need the emotional security and mental stability that comes with having parents who are ‘in charge', not helpless putty in the hands of their children. Clinical psychologist Maggie Mamen, author of ‘Who's in Charge?', ‘Laughter, Love and Limits' and ‘The Pampered Child Syndrome' explains why despite being given all the love, care and attention they need, most children today remain unreasonably demanding, unhappy, anxious or angry. She argues that child-centered parenting is responsible for this cultural shift, and has produced a whole generation of children who feel they are entitled to the same rights as adults, but are obviously not ready to accept grown-up responsibilities, and consequently grow up feeling resentful of their parents and confused about their role in life. Our predecessors didn't have the same issues with commanding respect, inspiring obedience and instilling discipline in their children, perhaps because of the following reasons: Parenting wasn't a part-time job Children got the best years of their parents' lives and their undivided attention – not just erratic chunks of “quality time.” They were an intrinsic and inseparable part of a parent's life, and raising their child was the main focus of their existence. For example, when Umm Sulaym (a woman Companion from among the Ansar in Madina) accepted Islam, she influenced her son Anas Bin Malik (who was still a child) to follow in her footsteps even though her husband Malik Bin Nadhr remained adamant in his rejection of Islam. Having deserted his family in a fit of anger, Malik Bin Nadhr passed away in Syria, after which Umm Sulaym dedicated her life to raising her son and rejected several proposals for remarriage. She consented to marry Abu Talhah Al-Ansari only after consulting Anas, after Abu Talhah agreed to accept Islam, and she was convinced that he would be a good role-model for her son. With remarkable foresight, when Anas Bin Malik was older, she chose the humblest occupation for him and sent him to serve the Prophet (peace be upon him). This enabled him to live with and learn from the Prophet at close quarters, and Anas Bin Malik later described this time as “the best years” of his life. Parenting wasn't for the faint-hearted When Abdul Malik Bin Marwan became the Caliph, he sent Hajjaj Bin Yusuf as his representative to Hijaz, whereas the people of Hijaz had already pledged allegiance to Abdullah Bin Al-Zubair. At this point, he (Abdullah Bin Al-Zubair) went to see his mother, Asma Bint Abi Bakr, who despite her extreme old age encouraged him to fight for his right, and said if he were martyred she would accept it with patience, and if he defeated the enemy she would be happy. In the battle that ensued, Abdullah Bin Al-Zubair's army faced severe losses, and he visited his mother again and asked her if he should surrender. She replied: “If you are right, you shouldn't worry about dying.” Abdullah Bin Al-Zubair said he feared that the enemy would mutilate his body after death, but she countered that death with honor was better than a life of peace with dishonor. On hearing this, Abdullah Bin Al-Zubair returned to the battlefield and died the death of a martyr. The bottomline? Doing the right thing was non-negotiable, no matter what the human cost. Parents in the past considered the birth of a child a blessing and considered the upbringing of a child an Amanah (trust) for which they would be answerable to Allah, unlike us, for whom every new birth is considered a “liability” and the raising of one's children is considered an opportunity to score brownie points over each other or assert our dominance. Perhaps therein lies the difference.
