Parental favoritism is a common source of division in families. Elder sons enjoy greater attention from their parents, as do the youngest, while those who are left in between experience neglect. Such circumstances can lead to marginalized children harboring feelings of jealousy or hatred, and even taking revenge on more favored siblings. Specialists say that such favoritism, or discrimination, can have even more disastrous effects on individuals and society at large. The phenomenon is, however, deep-rooted, and some of those who disapprove of favoritism among siblings, and even suffered from it in their own childhoods, are still not immune to treating their own children in a similar fashion. Some specialists note, however, that people are different, and will inevitably require different forms of interaction and interact themselves, differently. Academics on the subject say that these differences can, if correctly channeled, be turned into a form of discrimination with positive connotations. The parents “After a wait of 11 years I finally had the son I'd dreamt of, after the four daughters who I love and adore, but I confess that when we had a son I spent more of my time with him,” says Abdullah Al-Qahtani. “As the children got older, however, I noticed that one of the girls, then in intermediate school, started to fall back a bit despite her being the brightest of her sisters. Things got to the point that one day my wife and I went to speak to the school about her, and they said that she might be suffering from a lack of attention from her family as she was doing lots of stupid, attention-seeking things and not concentrating on her school work. When we spoke to our daughter herself she shocked us with her response: ‘I'm not your child!' she screamed. ‘Only Abdullah's your child! Don't worry about me, just look after your son!' Now things are okay, as I've learnt how to treat them all with the consideration they deserve, and take on board the feelings of all of them.” “My only mistake was that I treated my eldest son differently to the rest,” says Ahmed Dauma, father of three sons and a daughter. “I used to take him to where I work, and basically give him a free rein in things like letting him go shopping with me and choose the things that his brothers needed. But that led to a lot of jealousy between them, and them hating him and hating me, and a lack of affection between them all. When we'd get together to talk about things and I defended their elder brother they would say: ‘It's all your doing, you've always preferred him to us!' I'm still trying to get them all to make up and get along.” Ibtisam Abdul Rahman says that every effort must be made to avoid discrimination, at least on the surface. “Parents need to try and understand their children's feelings, know their needs and understand the way they react to things. And that needs to be translated into proper behavior to create a natural and healthy environment for them to grow up in. If that's not possible, then I think it's okay to pretend a bit, in order to make all the children feel equally loved and avoid divisions and hatred. I must confess that my firstborn has a special place in my heart, for better or for worse, but I shouldn't let that be known outwardly as it might spark conflict between my children.” The child Umm Abdullah says she was brought up in a family in which the boys were favored over the girls. “But I didn't pass on what I suffered to my own children. Instead I let the girls enjoy everything they're entitled to and let them express their opinions on everything. As for the sons, and especially the elder son, I make him care for his siblings, and he may only object to their mistakes by expressing his opinion. He has no right to hit them or bully them in any way, especially since that's what I suffered at the hands of my brothers who used to hit me in front of both of my parents without them putting a stop to it.” Family and society Dr. Afaaf Abu Zaqzouq says the consequences of favoritism affect the whole of society. “Parental favoritism is a main cause of many family problems, including domestic violence and family dysfunction. Unfortunately the mid-born child does not receive the attention received by the eldest and youngest children, which can lead to them rebelling, to feelings of vengeance and also disobedience to the parents.” “Parental favoritism generates concomitant complexes within society, such as egotistical feelings and selfishness when interacting with others,” Zaqzouq says. “It can in some cases lead to crime and be a factor in society's loss of harmony and friendliness towards others.” Sheikh Abdulmohsin Al-Obaikan says: “The hadith says: ‘Be pious to God and treat your children justly'. This shows us the need to treat our children fairly and equally, whether male or female, as justice and equality are part of the defining characteristics of Islam, which is the religion of justice. Our children are the future and we should not differentiate between them, as a bad upbringing produces bad people. And neither should we differentiate between males and females when calling them to account. There is no doubt that females require greater care and vigilance due to their nature as girls and women, but sons should also be questioned and be the subject of vigilance, as each shepherd is responsible for his flock before God.” Sa'ad Hani, a legal advisor agrees. “Islamic Shariah law does not allow for any discrimination between children in terms of how they are treated by their parents, or how they themselves treat each other, or between the males and the females of the same family. Shariah law stipulates punishments for guardians who do not treat their children equally without justification. Human Rights organizations have in recent times made great strides in fighting domestic violence and family discrimination with the direct support of the guardians. This has been done to try and mitigate against the effects of discrimination in terms of moral degeneracy and crimes that affect society by reducing the burden on the parent with the help of psychological health specialists to deal with such cases.” Benefiting from reality People, however, are different, and under the right circumstances should be treated differently. Saleh Al-Nufeisi, a psychological consultant, explains. “Discrimination when based on scientific foundations is constructive, and there is a great distinction between that and the favoritism of parents based merely on their feelings,” Al-Nufeisi says. “Discrimination has taken on innovative and creative aspects with positive results in terms of education and psychology and can have great effects in producing a bright, innovative, and reflective generation. In that respect the family should try to treat each member in its own way, whether male or female, as they require. Studies have shown that the first born is different to the second, and the second to the third and so on. Each has his own path and ways. So we need to question and learn and teach when it comes to the correct ways of bringing up children.” “Favoritism, however, and particularly when expressed through rewards and punishments, is destructive and leads to distress and psychological complexes,” Al-Nufeisi says. “I would warn parents, whether separated or together, against such behavior, and urge them to realize the difference between discrimination with its positive connotations, and discrimination as defined by favoritism.”
