“My son's not the same person he used to be. If I'd known that marriage was going to affect him this much, I wouldn't have made such an effort to find him a good wife.” So says Umm Mohammed, one of many mothers who believe that as times change people are losing sight of the meaning of the “nuclear family”, and as sons leave the nest to marry and lead an independent life with wives and children of their own they cease to be concerned with their original family life, leaving some mothers to complain of estrangement from their offspring. Mothers speak of how their tireless work over the years to bring up their children is thrown to the wind after their children marry, resulting in detrimental effects on the family entity. Here a number of mothers speak of their sense of estrangement from their children. “My son refuses to listen to me these days. I can't talk to him and he gets angry at the slightest thing,” Umm Mohammed says. “Once he was complaining of stomach ache, and when I suggested he go to the doctor, he started having a go at me, saying I'm no doctor to tell him what to do. He never used to speak to me in that tone before. Either his wife is annoying him, or perhaps she's trying to turn him against me so they can move out and live in their own apartment.” Umm Fadhil similarly feels she has been shut out. “My son married a family relative and they still haven't been able to produce a child, but when I said that he and his wife should go to the doctor to find out what the problem was he accused me of hating his wife from the moment they got married. ‘Our private life is none of your business!' he shouted at me. ‘Leave me and my wife alone!'” The sense of estrangement and rejection can manifest itself in a variety of forms, some unexpected. Umm Habeeb says that in her case it was her cooking. “My son was brought up on my cooking, and like all sons wouldn't be entirely happy with anything else other than that made by his mother. Yet after he got married, he started to reject my cooking, longing instead for the food his wife made. Even when his wife is busy and doesn't have time to cook for him he orders a take-away from a restaurant, saying that my food is ‘old-style'.” Are they ashamed of me? Sixty-five-year-old Umm Adil finds herself left out of family activities. “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law go out with my grandchildren they never tell me. Are they ashamed of me? Is it because I'm getting old? Despite me bringing up my son to be loving and generous, these days he gets annoyed with me. I want the best for my son and for him to be happy, and it hurts me when I'm left alone at home and they're out with the children. I am extremely lonely these days.” Umm Soleiman is 60 years old and has five daughters. She spends much of her time in bed due to illness. “I wish my daughters were around me all the time, I need them to be with me,” she says. “I don't want to bring in a house servant as even though that would bring extra care it's not the same as having your own children around you. I don't know exactly why they visit so rarely, but the truth is, I blame their husbands. My daughters like spending time with me but their husbands always find some excuse or other not to come.” Teenage rebellion Fa'iqa Mohammed Badr is a psychologist at King Abdulaziz University and believes that problems may go back further than we think. “Children first start to reject their parents when they are teenagers, when their parents begin objecting to their unwanted or unpredictable behavior. That is when the feeling of resistance and rejection of the parents ingrains itself in the minds of their children as they seek independence,” she says. “Parental behavior leading to rejection is represented in a loss of love, a loss of communication, and a lack of family discussion, as well as excessive spoiling, domestic violence, emotional blackmail, unequal treatment of children, and rejection and neglect.” “Other problems can come in the failure of parents to recognize that their children have their own personalities and that the parents' ambitions are not to be fulfilled through their children. When that happens, parental love can turn into a burden,” Badr says. “This sort of behavior can affect the personalities of children who may become inconsiderate, irresponsible, and easily provoked. That filters down into society, and we cannot lay the blame solely at the door of the children, as it is a joint effort.” “Parents must bring up their children with unconditional love so that they in turn will raise their children with unconditional love, a love that is not lost once the children marry and leave the family home, and so parents do not feel as if they lose their function when that happens.” “My advice to parents is this: make sure that the children get enough love and ensure that there is always discussion and dialogue going on between members of the family. They should develop their children's emotional intelligence by developing their sympathy for other people's feelings, and refrain from being harsh or putting too much pressure on them. They also need to try to serve as good role models, and help develop their sense of responsibility by involving them in decision-making. Parents should show no favoritism and treat everyone equally, recognize generational differences, encourage the sharing of ideas and opinions and respect for different opinions, and show respect for every individual's independence of character.” Nuclear family lost Essa Al-Khalifa, a sociologist, outlines the various external factors causing a distancing between a mother and her children. “The reasons for estrangement from one's children can be personal and environmental, the latter taking on many forms, such as the son's work taking him to another part of the country. The way we live in modern residential districts also represents a complete turnaround from how we lived previously in close-knit communities. The media has also had its part to play by giving unpleasant portrayals of the mothers-in-law, leading families to finding their daughters their own apartments, independent from the families of their husbands. Houses are also not what they once were, and people live in smaller apartments forcing the young married couple to move out of the family home and seek a place of their own.” “The nuclear family has been lost,” Al-Khalifa continues. “There is no longer the same interaction between generations, no sharing of experience in bringing up children, leaving the parents to feel estranged from their children and grandchildren.” “Parents also bear some responsibility, for we have to admit that many do not give as much attention as they should to the bringing up of the next generation. Many fathers hardly know their sons at all, other than when they provide them with their material needs. Mothers, too, often know their sons only superficially, as they rarely discuss things, or share their thoughts and problems. And both parents often fail to show their love and care for their offspring.” “When a son gets married, he may suddenly find what he has been searching for all these years and realize the extent of his estrangement from his mother during his childhood and teenage years. All that time when he was unable to voice his suppressed feelings to his mother, he can now make up for it by expressing them to his wife, who now takes on the role of alternative mother, and the love between the two may grow at the expense of the husband's mother,” Al-Khalifa says. “Another reason may be the son's weak character, where sometimes the husband is bossed by his wife and she becomes the one who is in charge of everything. Many wives feel that their husbands are their own private property which should not be shared with anyone else, even with the woman who gave birth to him and brought him up.” A word in her ear Al-Khalifa continues: “I would like to whisper into the ear of every girl who's about to get married: “You too will one day soon be in the same situation as your mother-in-law, and she is never in greater need of her son than when she becomes older, nor in greater need of love and affection from her children.” Suheila Zein Al-Abideen, a well-known writer and member of the National Society for Human Rights, says: “This form of estrangement of the mother represents the height of ingratitude on the part of the children. And one day that behavior will come back to haunt them when they themselves have children and grow old.” “I would advise husbands to be loyal to their parents, and not to listen to those wives who tell them not to visit their mothers. Wives should also caution their husbands against neglecting their parents, and vice versa,” Al-Abideen says. Spiritual refuge “The mother is the son's spiritual refuge,” says Ibrahim Al-Eid, a government employee. “Even though my mother lives quite far away from my wife and I, if I do not get to see her, I feel as if something's missing from my heart.” “Mothers are different from fathers,” says Hussein Naji Abdul Latif, a college student. “Fathers are stricter and more easily get angry with you, but mothers are emotionally different, you can share your secrets with them. I can talk to my mother. I can tell her about a girl I'd like to marry. Mothers smile when you talk about subjects like that, but fathers rarely smile, except on certain subjects. That's why sons are generally a lot closer to their mothers than to their fathers.” Businessman, son and husband Ibrahim Al-Halu says balance is the key. “We have to treat both mother and wife equally and fairly to avoid conflicts, and so we give to both what we have been instructed to by Allah's Book and the Sunnah. The son must work in every way possible toward fulfilling the interests of both and avoid any quarrels and maintain a close family relationship with all parts united.”
