THE qualities of our communication skills impact our lives everyday. Improvement in any area begins with looking at the self. How do we recognize communication with ourselves? It is that little voice that you hear inside your head; it is there even when you do not notice it. Our emotions are also a means of communication within ourselves. This subject reminds me of my client Sidika. This sister has a Pakistani background, but is born and raised in the UK. She approached me because she was really struggling with her motivation to finish her degree. She had recently begun a law degree after having failed the first year of her medicine course twice. She was struggling with course work and exams, and was very concerned that she would fail law just as she had medicine. Sidika told me that she chose medicine because her family expected her to be a doctor but found it impossible to apply herself to the subject. I asked her about why she started the course and she said, “I thought my family were insisting for my own good. I thought that maybe it would be okay. I did give it my best shot, but after two years of failing, I just had to give up.” The first and most important aspect of inner communication is to tell the truth to oneself. Sidika realized that she wasn't being entirely honest with herself. She tried to convince herself that she did not hate the idea of being a doctor, but deep down she knew she did. She pretended that it would be ok because she was too afraid to stand up to her father. This fear turned into more suffering later on. She suffered through two years of medical studies at university, and also found her self-confidence ebbing away. So the first principle of enhancing inner communication is to tell the truth to yourself about how you really feel about situations. Standing at crossroads Many times in life we stand at crossroads, uncertain of which path to pursue, uncertain how to proceed. Our first resort is to ensure that all our choices are within the perimeters of Islam. Second, as Muslims we are blessed with the prayer of Istikhara, a prayer asking Allah for guidance to what is best for us. We are trained to make decisions through logic only and we forget to apply our intuition, such as what Sidika did. Practice this increasingly within yourself, even with day-to-day decisions. Ask yourself constantly if your decision fits it with your Islamic values. Another thing I noticed Sidika doing was comparing herself to other students. She said to me, “Everyone else seems to get it. I don't know what's wrong with me.” We began working through some of her study techniques. What Sidika realized was that it was her past disappointments that were getting in the way of her success at law. She passed most of her exams that year. Comparing can often lead to problems. Remember that Allah has given talents to all of us. Practice some compassion for yourself and stop the negative comparisons. Take a few minutes everyday and write down one or two things that make you unique. Ask yourself, “What do I have to offer myself and others?” This will allow you to focus on your own unique gifts.
