Divorce rates are rising at alarming rates, worldwide. Egyptian authorities have reported that more than 30% of new marriages end in divorce. The rate of divorce in Kuwait has reached almost 50%, and the number is still on the rise. In Pakistan, in Lahore alone, more than 100 divorce cases are registered in family courts each day. Saudi Arabia has seen an enormous rise in the divorce rate, ranking the second-highest in the world. As for Muslim families living in the United States, the divorce rate was around 32% in the year 2002, and now it has climbed to 40%.
The dissolution of the family unit can have severe ramifications on these societies. Children pay the highest price for divorce; studies show that children of divorced parents have a higher tendency for behavioral disorders, depression, addiction, non-conformity with social laws, and low school performance. It has been found that religious worship in divorced households diminishes, and religious worship plays a central role in a healthier and happier family life. Divorce even impacts health, the mortality rate for non-married adults is 50% higher for women and 250% higher for men. An increase in divorce rates correlates with an increase in violence; studies show that single men are six times more likely to be imprisoned for a crime than married men.
So, what is the recipe for a long, happy, and successful marriage? Actually, several ingredients are involved.
Dr. Mohamed R. Beshir, has over 35 years experience in marriage and family counseling and he has authored over 12 books on these issues.
In his book, Blissful Marriage, he states that one of the major reasons for failing marriages is that the man and woman do not understand the objectives of marriage in Islam, nor do they properly prepare for this step.
The objective of marriage in Islam is clear, as evident in this verse in Chapter 30 of the Holy Qur'an, {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.}
When a man and woman unite in marriage, Allah gives them the gift of love, affection, and mercy. After that, either the couple nurtures this gift so that it grows and becomes stronger, or they neglect the gift, until it shrivels and dries up.
Dr. Beshir recommends that once an initial agreement for marriage has been reached, before jumping into the marriage, the couples should take plenty of time in getting to know one another, to make sure that the two are compatible, and that they both understand the higher goals of marriage in Islam.
Being swept away by emotions of attraction and infatuation, young men and women are unaware of the goals of marriage in Islam; one of which is to raise a Muslim family.
According to Dr. Beshir, “The most important objective of marriage is that it helps you become a better Muslim. Marriage helps you to become closer to Allah, it strengthens your faith, and it helps you complete your deen (religion).”
Marriage is like a ship; the two partners have to work together to ensure the safety of this ship and to ultimately land together on the beautiful, sandy shores: Paradise. They share the responsibility in steering the ship and keeping it afloat. Each partner must support the personal, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual growth of the other.
How do you know that this person is going to be the one who will help you become a better Muslim or Muslimah?
“It is amazing how much time couples spend preparing for the wedding: the dress, the invitations, food, and the cake, but they do not spend enough time to really get to know each other. Sit together, before the wedding date, and ask important questions. What are your hobbies? How do you spend your free time? What are your ideas about marriage? What are your reasons for getting married? What are your views on the roles of the husband and wife? Such questions can give you a good indication if this marriage is going to work,” said Dr. Beshir.
Attending a workshop or course on marriage is very helpful. When problems appear in marriage, and they will- that is life, you can start by evaluating yourself, before pointing fingers at your partner. Honest, soul-searching is an excellent tool at pinpointing your own habits that may be damaging the relationship. Acknowledge your own shortcomings and come up with ways to change. Also, search for your strengths and build on them. Both partners should be willing to change.
Good communication is at the heart of all harmonious marriages. Dr. Beshir advises using the collaborative style of communication rather than the combative. Do not use confrontational language, because it puts the other person into the defensive, and he becomes less likely to listen and change.
Use ‘I' messages rather than ‘You' messages. For example, say, “I don't feel comfortable when we do not spend family time together”, instead of saying, “You never spend time with our family.” When using ‘I' language, you are simply expressing your feelings. You are not pointing fingers at your husband; he will be more receptive to your suggestions, and more cooperative in finding solutions.
Always use the right language, use kind words; no name-calling, yelling, or hurtful words. Our Lord has taught us the proper language to use not only in marriage, but in all relationships.
{And tell My servants to say only that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces [dissension] among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy.} (chapter 17, verse 53) By holding our tongues when frustrated, choosing the nice word over the unkind one, many marital problems could be avoided and overcome.
Abuse whether physical or verbal or mental is not to be tolerated and divorce may be the best option, but the scope of this article is not about abuse. It is mainly about the bickering, the petty differences, and the problems we create because we hold the wrong objectives of marriage, such as social status, gaining wealth, or simply physical attraction.
So, get your objectives for marriage right, know your partner, and then let the little things slide. Keep your problems into perspective, have a big heart, and give your partner space to express his/her emotions.
Even the most perfect of marriages face challenges.
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once said to his wife, Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, “I know well when you are pleased or angry from me. Aisha replied: How do you know that? He said: When you are pleased with me you swear by saying, “No, by the God of Mohammad” but when you are angry with me, you say, “No, by the God of Ibrahim”. She said: You are right, I only desert your name.”
