TIME was, when young people in Saudi Arabia bowed before the wisdom of elders and married the spouse chosen by their families, and stayed married -- whether happily or otherwise. Now, the changing times are reflected in new marriage trends. Many young Saudis prefer to get married the ‘modern' way, where they get to know a prospective partner before taking the plunge. Although some families don't accept this trend, there are others who think this is a wiser option. Mona Ahmed, a mother of three young boys, feels that when it comes to marriage it would be better if her sons chose their own spouses. “At the end of the day, I will not have to go from house to house and look for a bride for my son; it's easier this way and saves a lot of time,” she adds. However, another young mother, Amna Yusuf, is against the idea and dismisses it as “forbidden”. “Love comes after marriage, not before it. I will never let my sons choose wives on their own. This is my job and I will do it when the time comes,” she says. Yusuf Muhana, a 29-year-old Saudi from Jeddah, says if he finds a ‘special' girl whom he feels is a good wife, he will not hesitate to ask his family to propose. Yusuf's mother, Amal Muhana, points out that her elder twin sons got married to wives of their choice and they are happy. “As long as the girl they choose is from a good family and she loves my son as much as he loves her, there is no harm in them getting married,” she says. Another case in point is Suha Khalid, a-22-year-old from Jeddah, who has been married for four years to her cousin living in the US. “We were in love from the time we were very young and when he went to the States, I was really sad. But we stayed in touch until he asked me to marry him. Our families went along with the idea and they were very happy. We got married after being engaged for a year and now have two daughters.'' Say ‘I do' or else… However, not all young people are blessed with such accommodating families. In spite of the Kingdom's best efforts in promoting Islamic principles at home and abroad, the country is being let down by some people who insist on sticking to pre-Islamic cultural practices. Forced marriages are an unfortunate reality in some sections of Saudi society, where both Saudi girls and boys are forced to marry against their wishes. The result: Increased separations, divorces and unhappy marriages. “My father married me off to a wealthy man from a prestigious family. I did not want to marry him, as he was known to be haughty, aggressive and selfish. However, my father insisted that I marry him,” Aziza Mohammad recalls her experience. “I gave in to my family's pressure and got engaged. I found that everything I had been informed about him was true, but my father shrugged it off saying he would change once he got married. After marriage, I found him worse and in two months I was back in my father's home, bearing the ‘divorcee' tag.” Umm Mohammad relates her account of how family pressure led to her being married to a handsome young man, who turned out to be a serial philanderer. “When he proposed, I sensed he wasn't right for me. I felt that his family was pressurizing him to get married. After the engagement, I found out that he had affairs with countless girls.” When she informed her family, they responded by saying he would surely change after marriage. She says, “That (change) didn't occur and we separated after I had a baby.” A Saudi mother (name withheld) recounts her daughter's traumatic experience. “My husband forced our daughter to marry a man 20 years older than her. She was only 15 at that time. Her married life began with her husband's violence and she was forced to do strenuous housework. She has been living with the man for the past 20 years, for the sake of her children.'' Sheikh Abdul Aziz Aal Al-Sheikh, Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia and head of the Council of Senior Islamic Scholars, has strongly criticized forced marriages. “Islam requires the consent of both husband and wife for the marriage contract to be valid. A woman's wholehearted consent should be taken and her guardian should look for her best interests. Forcing a woman to marry someone she does not want and preventing her from wedding someone she chooses... is not permissible. Anyone who insists on forcing a woman... to marry against her will is disobeying Allah and His Prophet.” Sheikh Abdulmohsen Al-Obaikan, Shoura Council member, has said, “Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) said an unmarried girl should not be married off without her consent. As for a divorcee or a widowed woman, she does not need permission from her guardian and can take the initiative herself.” “Marriage officials should not acknowledge a marriage contract without the consent of the bride to-be and officials who ignore these instructions shall be taken to task,” he said. Family pressure can sometimes unwittingly push young people onto the wrong path. Shomoukh, (name changed) was forced to marry a 70-year-old man when she was only 18. After marriage, the man forbade her from going out. “After ten years of marriage, my husband became bed-ridden. With my newfound liberty, I started dating some young men. Once my stepson saw me with a man and informed my husband about it. He divorced me and took my children,” she says. Dr. Nasser Al-Thubiani, Head of Psychiatry at a hospital in Madina, says a girl undergoes emotional trauma when she is given in marriage against her will. In such cases, a girl starts hating her family and holds them responsible for her misery. “She becomes prone to depression. She may also neglect her appearance and her husband may look down upon her,” he says. The message is clear: parents -- especially fathers -- cannot ignore their children's choices. Consent for marriage is a right given to people – both men and women -- by Islam. Depriving the youth of this choice would only push them into satisfying their needs through unlawful means that are now becoming easier than ever. Make or break choice Besides parents, economic pressures also contribute towards making marriage a difficult decision for young Saudis. “In the past, wedding costs were relatively cheap. But after the discovery of petrol and the resultant economic boom, families increased the brides' dowry to the extent that today many Saudi women are unmarried because of the high dowry,” says Mansour Bin Askar, Professor of Sociology at Imam Mohammed Bin Saud University, and Council Member, Saudi Association for Sociology. “Marriage requirements have also changed. Whereas in the past most young men preferred to marry non-working women, now they look for working wives who will be able to help with the household expenses – especially after the recent price-rise,” adds Bin Askar. Other considerations involved in getting married include the cost of setting up house and marriage celebrations. Mansour Al-Rwaih, an engineer getting married this summer, puts marriage costs at around SR 50,000 to SR150,000. For example, an average wedding hall costs anywhere between SR9000 and SR35000 (plus SR2000 on weekends). Often parents and members of the extended family pitch in towards wedding expenses, and sometimes the wedding celebrations are split into his and hers – where the bride's family hosts one party and the groom's family another. Government organizations and private trusts have also been set up to help young people get married Speaking of requirements, Umm Ahmad , a professional matchmaker says, “Summer is a good time for me because I make a lot of money arranging marriages. My fee depends on the groom and his requirements -- if he has a lot of demands then the price will proportionately increase.” “Most young Saudis these days want to get married to tall, blonde girls – when they get fed up waiting for Saudi girls with those specifications, they ask for brides from other countries.” Mohammed Al-Hamed, a clinical psychologist at Bakhsh hospital says, “This is a new phenomenon where young Saudis are looking for non-Saudi wives. Most people think this is because of the low dowry for non-Saudi girls, but the truth is that they are less inhibited after marriage. Many Saudi girls try to act inhibited intentionally with their husbands for fear that he will suspect her of being sexually active before marriage. This leads to incompatibility later in their married life and couples have to come for counseling.” Clearly, there's a great deal of thought and effort that goes into the making of a modern-day Saudi marriage. Looking at the number of marriages this summer, who would have guessed? __
