Saudi Gazette Open dialogue between spouses is a healthy form of communication as it indicates that they trust and share everything about themselves conveniently and happily with each other. Even though it is encouraged, marriage counselors strongly advise couples not to talk about their past relationships with one another. Dr. Mesfer Al-Qahtani, a psychologist, believes that talking about previous relationships with your spouse does not hold any value as it no longer exists. And talking, discussing or even sharing about it can lead to unforeseen problems. Salma innocently told her husband about her teenage love and dreams. “With all honesty, I told my husband about my teenage crush I had on my cousin. I had no clue that it would end my marriage. Ever since I told my husband about this foolish crush, he started to doubt my actions and my intentions. Time and again I reassured him that this past crush was only a fleeting feeling and that nothing ever happened but he did not believe me. My marriage turned into a tormenting court trial and I could not bear it any longer, so we finally opted for divorce,”she sadly said. However, Hala knew better about it and she never spoke about her crushes to her husband. She said, “The woman will always be the victim when couples start opening up the past. It is only the woman and not the man who is blamed and held accountable for having tender feelings for another person prior to marriage. Our society condemns women for falling in love, even if she is innocent and the love never develops into a wrong relationship.” Dr. Al-Qahtani explicitly explained, “What usually starts in genuine curiosity ends in distrust and marital problems. Memories about the past can open up the door to arguments and resentment. Confessions between the spouses about a previous love brings no positive outcome and have a negative impact on the marriage. The husband may start to misinterpret every word his wife says, question her intentions, and closely watch her every action. Such discussions should be avoided all together by both partners because they plant the seeds of doubt and insecurity in the heart.” After marriage, not all husbands and wives react positively upon hearing about their ex. Some may listen to it and forget about the whole issue and others may take it to heart, fret and obsess over it. Psychologist and marriage counselors explain that the level of a person's acceptance of the spouse's previous relationships depends on his/her educational level, open mindedness, family environment, emotional make-up, and personality. A social worker and a family consultant, Abdul Rahman Al-Muhammadi, said, “Open dialogue, honesty, and a certain degree of transparency are good and important in marriage, but not when it comes to curiosity about the past. For example, speaking honestly about a wife's bad habit may be beneficial in improving the marital relationship but speaking about her past immature crush has absolutely no benefit. Digging up the past creates a full-fledged investigation and trial with a prosecutor, defendant, and judge. Tension arises between husband and wife and surfaces at home, too. Children will be negatively affected if they learn of previous mistakes or unhealthy relationships of their parents who are their role models.” When asked about the difference in the society's perception of a woman's and a man's pre-marital feelings of love, Abdul Rahman Al-Muhammadi said, “Our society imposes certain qualities on women that are viewed as admirable and necessary in a woman's personality, such as shyness. It is expected that her shyness will prevent her from falling in a relationship before marriage. However, it is commonly accepted that men are more outspoken and daring and it is not such a grave mistake if he had spoken to someone else before he settled down. It is in a woman's nature to be more forgiving, accommodating, and loving so she may overlook her husband's confession of a previous and short-lived relationship, but it is difficult for a man to dismiss his wife's previous relationship.” Professor of Islamic studies, Dr. Abdul Latif Al-Hussein, said, “Islam is opposed to a husband asking about his wife's emotional past and also rejects a wife prying into her husband's emotional past. If the answers to such questions will only bring unhappiness and turmoil to the marriage, then why ask them? What is more important than the past is focusing on the present, on your marriage, your children, and your spouse's current feelings and emotional needs. Discuss issues that will improve your family life, not make it worse.” Hence, married couples should not dig each others past and neither should they talk about their relationships before marriage because even a funny, innocent remark about the ex is enough to sow the seeds of insecurities and doubts in either partner. __
